You Can Stay Connected With Those You Love When Job Stress Overwhelms You
When you’re overwhelmed by job stress, your personal relationships can seem like another demand or obligation. And you can unwittingly shift your most important connections to the back burner. You might even feel like shipping your loved ones off to relatives, disappearing into a federal witness protection program just to get time for yourself. An American Psychological Association poll shows that 54% of Americans say stress causes them to fight with relatives, and one in four says that stress has alienated them from family and friends. Relationships are not easy; they require time and attention. But the effort you put into them pays off in the long run. Just as your favorite potted plant needs water, fertilizer, and sunlight to thrive, your relationships need tending if they are to remain vital. Under stress, relationship neglect and misunderstanding can lead to communication gridlock. Your stress can come out sideways and get displaced on the people you care about the most. Psychologist John Gottman pinpoints four red flags that indicate stress is driving a relationship south and a breakup is imminent: criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal and contempt. These four warning signs signal terminal relationship gridlock, usually the result of poor listening and speaking skills.
Are You Stuck In Communication Gridlock?
Gridlock occurs when you’re stuck in your own point of view, unwilling to see a problem from another party’s vantage point. You communicate your feelings as facts, refuse to entertain another perspective and turn a deaf ear to another person’s thoughts and feelings because you’ve already make up your mind that you’re right and the other person is wrong. You’re determined to force your point of view by commanding, finger pointing, criticizing and negativity. Gridlock leads each party to defensiveness, criticism, withdrawal and contempt—signs of a complete breakdown of the relationship. The good news is that there’s a lot you can do to nurture and cultivate a stress-resistant relationship.
Deep Listening With Empathy
Do you finish other people’s sentences to rush through a conversation? Are you so intent on getting your point across that you don’t hear the other person? Or are you in your head back at your desk finishing that email you left hanging? You can reduce interpersonal stress by paying attention to how you give and receive information. Deep listening—versus passive listening—actively engages you in what another person says and feels. Instead of thinking of what you want to say next or hijacking the conversation to your point of view, try fully engaging in what another person says and feels. You might nod your head or lean forward with interest. You use direct eye contact and listen with empathy without giving advice unless it is asked for.
Empathetic listening liberates you from your own narrow perspective and helps you see the big picture and refrain from snap judgments. Using empathy by putting yourself in the other person’s shoes temporarily suspends your viewpoint and sharpens your deep listening skills. It gives you a clearer understanding of another person’s perspective without needing to agree. Plus, being more mindful of your reactions can give you a sober awareness of how you’re perceived by others. Staying mentally attuned in the present moment to someone’s point of view—instead of mentally going back to your workstation—increases your understanding and compassion. Plus, it deepens your ability to connect with someone you care about and neutralizes stress and resentment and helps you remain calm.
Deposits And Withdrawals
Are you managing your most important investments? Think of your special relationships as a bank account. Then compare your recent deposits with the withdrawals. As with a bank account, relationships require periodic deposits—time, attention, support, understanding, heart-to-heart talks, encouragement and forgiveness to stay solvent. Your deposits offset withdrawals—demands, stress, criticism, miscommunications, disagreements and blame—that occur in most relationships. Consider making a special effort to keep your interactions vital by creating special moments to connect by email, text message, phone or in the old fashioned way: face-to-face. It’s good economics to ask yourself each day what you’ve deposited into your most important relationships. Making just one daily deposit gives you a stress-proof return on your investment. Studies show that when couples talk 15 minutes a day, they create solidarity against outside pressures. Preparing meals jointly and having pleasant mealtime conversations provide a platform for supportive communication. Or creating fun pastimes that you share as a couple such as tennis, golf or working out at the gym. Whatever your approach, studies show that when couples take an active interest in each other’s life and share their daily ups and downs, they are happier and more connected and harmonious.
By: Bryan Robinson
Casual relationships can be super fun under the right circumstances. If you're not looking for something serious at the moment, a casual relationship might be a great chance to connect with someone without commitment. Still, sometimes our needs or our partners needs change during a relationship, and it's important to ask when should you end a casual relationship.
Maybe you love only seeing your beau once a week because it frees up time to go bowling (am I the only one who thinks bowling should be a Monday andWednesday activity?). Maybe you like knowing if you met someone you wanted to settle down with and, it would be easier to explain to your current partner that you want to end things. Maybe you love that you don't leave your toothbrush there because you like using your partner's — some people spring for fancy toothbrushes, and I'll never be one of them, but I like to know how the other half lives. If these things are true, your casual relationship could be working for you. But maybe it's not, and you're not alone in wanting to stop seeing someone casually.
I've spoken with seven women who have been in the same position as you, and they gave some advice on how to know when the time is right to end a casual relationship. Read on to hear true stories of how these women came to the decision to end it once and for all.
I had one that I had to end because they insisted to their family we were dating exclusively and that we were 'something deeper' (verbatim). After a while, they wouldn’t let it go despite me saying it made me uncomfortable, so I ghosted him.
— Lily, 20
THE PLAGUE OF THE VAGUE
I have ended every casual relationship that could not be defined within a year. I don’t do well with vague. I do not want to 'hang out' because I have plenty of friends for that. If a guy says 'we are hanging out,' I correct him and say 'no, we are f*cking.' For me, anything is better than 'hanging out.'
— Jessica, 33
WANTING DIFFERENT THINGS
It was fun hanging out with him but I knew we wanted different things. I guess I went into the casual relationship thinking it would just be a fun diversion, but I realized I actually want to look for something serious with someone else. He's not someone I could see myself with long-term because he doesn't want kids, and I feel like our dream lives are completely different. While seeing him, I found someone else who is way more able to give me the things I want. It's not serious yet, but I don't feel like I need to end it because I can see it becoming serious.
— Helen, 33
I was doing a summer research program, and I was seeing a guy from a different college. There were only 15 of us in the program, so I didn't have a ton of selection, but I thought he was pretty cool. At the end of the summer, he wanted to keep things going, but I'd been in long distance relationships before, and I knew it wouldn't work out. It was tough to say bye to him, but we knew it was a good idea to end it because of the distance. We were too casual to commit to something like that.
— Karen, 28
CLINGY ISN'T CASUAL
I've ended so many casual relationships. Sometimes it's because I'm unsure about what they want, sometimes they're too clingy. One woman texted me a dozen times every night, and it was clear she was drunk and wanted something more. I feel like aggressive messages can be a good reason to end a casual relationship.
— Amanda, 24
He wasn't respecting the walls I put up. I told him I couldn't meet his family because we weren't boyfriend-girlfriend, but he claimed it would be 'rude' if I didn't go to dinner with him and his mom. I went and felt so awkward the whole time because she clearly thought we were something we weren't. I broke up with him the next day. He asked what he should tell his mom and I was like, 'why'd you tell her about us in the first place?' I feel like not everyone understands what it means to be casual, and if they're in a different place, you need to end it.
— Cynthia, 24
A HEALTHY END
I ended a healthy 'Friends With Benefits' situation because I knew it was going nowhere. I was at a point in my life where I realized I was ready for a real relationship and didn’t want to waste my time/energy messing around — literally. I told him, he understood, and we peacefully parted ways.
— Tawny, 33
Casual relationships can be fun and fulfilling, but they're casual for a reason. If you need to let go of your casual relationship for any reason — it's been going on too long, you want to be alone, the two of you want different things, you met someone else — you're not alone. Hopefully, hearing the stories of how other women decided to call it quits can help you decide for yourself when to make that choice!
BY GINNY HOGAN
Source: Elite Daily
Ben Higgins attends the 2018 American Music Awards at Microsoft Theater on October 9, 2018 in Los Angeles, California. David Crotty/Patrick McMullan via Getty Images
In for a wild ride. Bachelor Nation’s Ben Higgins took a while to warm up to the idea of Hannah Brown as the latest Bachelorette, but now thinks she is the perfect choice. However, he is aware that she has no idea what’s to come.
‘The Bachelorette’ Season 15 Cast: Meet Every Man Vying for Hannah Brown’s Heart “This is a little intimidating for her. It’s a little scary, it’s a little wild and she isn’t prepped for it,” Higgins, 30, told Us Weekly exclusively. “Like, I don’t think she expected to be the Bachelorette, nor did she desire to be the Bachelorette after her season. So, this is all kind of a shock, which makes it really fun because it’s kind of, like, watching any one of us that would be placed in this crazy environment. So, I’m really excited for her season.”
As for the advice he would give the former Miss Alabama, 24? The “Ben and Ashley I: Almost Famous” podcast cohost noted, “Just be almost unapologetically yourself. She has quirkiness [and] this funny sense of humor. She, like, makes weird facial expressions and says weird things at times. And that’s a really endearing quality that I hope she doesn’t lose. [I hope] she doesn’t try to become too much of the model of a Bachelorette and just stays true to herself.”
Ben Higgins and Hannah Brown Paul Archuleta/Getty Images; John Fleenor via Getty Images
Former ‘Bachelor’ and ‘Bachelorette’ Leads: Where Are They Now? Higgins previously admitted that he was unsure about Colton Underwood’s relationship with The Bachelor season 23 winner, Cassie Randolph, but the duo “proved [him] wrong.”
“When I saw the breakup, I was like, ‘This doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t seem right. She’s obviously not that into him. She’s telling him she wants to go home,’” he told Us earlier this month. “Then I see their story kind of take a turn and for them to come back together and build this relationship that now is existing to this day, and so I’m excited for them.”
The Bachelor After the Final Rose: Broken Engagements, Weddings, Babies, and More! Randolph, 23, eliminated herself from the show before her fantasy suite date. The NFL alum, 27, refused to give up on their relationship and sent home finalists Tayshia Adams and Hannah Godwin in order to pursue the speech pathologist. Underwood and Randolph revealed on the season finale, which aired on March 12, that they had reconciled.
Source: US Weekly With reporting by Emily Marcus
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This is the second most dramatic giveaway of the season!
We were so overwhelmed by the amazing response from our last giveaway, that we’re doing it again! This time, we’re giving away a 4-day cruise for two from Long Beach, CA to beautiful Mexico!
1. Follow @justsayallo on Instagram
2. Leave a 🚢 comment on our last post.
3. Tag your matey that you’d like to travel with!
1. Tag a “single” friends!
2. Download Say Allo from the iOS or Google Play store.
3. Send us a DM of your Say Allo profile to our Instagram account.
4. Share our Giveway to your Instagram.
Winner will be announced Monday, March 25th!
NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. Downloading Say Allo does not increase your chance of winning, but it will increase your chance of finding a date! This giveaway is not sponsored by Instagram or The Bachelor, ABC, Disney or any of its/their affiliates. Giveaway does not include airfare to Los Angeles, or transportation to/from cruise ship. Certain restrictions and blackout dates apply. All participants must be 18 or older. Good luck!
(Part 2 of 2)
It starts with an algorithm
At Say Allo, we believe the goal of a dating application should be to find quality candidates and empower you to make educated decisions on your swipes.
We started with an algorithm and developed our app around it.
We consider ourselves a hybrid to the aforementioned dating app styles:
We believe the best reflection of a user is in their actions. In this case, that is their likes and dislikes. Rather than rest on our laurels with our questionnaire, we continuously adapt based on the user’s input to the system.
We use Machine Learning to help our users find their most compatible match, starting with baseline inputs based on psychology and statistics and continue to learn based on their swipe history. Our algorithm will improve the more you swipe and provide real time updates to your swipe queue as we continuously learn.
So, to feed our process, we needed to define the inputs. After much development, experimentation and testing, we've collected inputs to feed each thing we learn.
Here’s a short list of what we will learn as you use our app:
1. We learn physical attraction.
All of our users’ photos are analyzed for key indicators that help us understand what attracts you to them. Input varies from skin and eye color to ratios of facial points. We’ll take whatever we can find from the submitted photos and use the available data as inputs.
But as the famous saying goes “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder”.
There’s some argument over whether the Golden Ratio works for attraction on faces and, while we consider a baseline for attraction, we by no means define it for you. You do the swiping and we can discover what you find attractive.
2. We learn compatibility.
Being a swipe app, physical attraction will always largely dominate the actions of a user. However, we feel it necessary to ensure that our users can also see how compatible they are with the candidate matches, providing a baseline questionnaire that we ask them to fill out when signing up and then learning the relationships between their compatible attributes with those they will swipe against.
Swiping is generally a fast action, but taking it slower and reading up about your potential match can help us acknowledge your efforts and tailor your experience based on those inputs. We don't ask hundreds of questions. We ask a dozen of you and learn the relationships ourselves.
3. We learn what’s most important to you.
Swiping patterns are different for all users: While some people will swipe on any pretty face, others will take more time to process what they have in common with the user. Various patterns of swiping must be recognized for any system such as ours to work.
But this is where we might teach you a thing or two about yourself. Perhaps you are physically attracted to a specific face and body, but will still swipe left if that person, say, doesn't like cats and dogs. Perhaps you prefer to date people who share your same political views or religion but that special look of somebody will make you ignore all that. Or perhaps physical attraction is not important to you at all and you just want to find somebody who loves all the same things that you do.
We don't tell you that you should find either attraction or compatible traits more important.
We let you tell us.
There are some companies using collaborative filtering to fulfill their promise of a more intelligent dating application. It's not a terrible approach – one where you are shown certain profiles because other people with similar swipe patterns also liked them (think the Amazon.com "Customers also bought this..") – but that is not what we at Say Allo are doing. We don't want to learn about anybody who might be like you. We want to learn about you.
So, please give us a shot, help us build up our user base and we'll help you find that special someone so that you'll make us the last dating app you'll ever need!
Technical Co-Founder of Unpack'd Technologies
As we began this journey over two years ago to reinvent dating discovery, I’ve been driven with a simple singular thought - “connecting should mean more than a swipe”. It should be intelligent. Connecting two people should be based on something other than an impulse feeling of is this person hot or not.
Viren Swami, a professor of social psychology at Anglia Ruskin University postulates that “…physical attractiveness matters most in the absence of social interaction.” This theory has played well with dating apps that have successfully turned the science of attraction into a game. Swiping is not social interaction, it’s simply an action. The byproduct however has fostered a new era of mindless connections that place more emphasis on initial attraction over compatibility, which has consequently fueled a dating industry that has fed off of this state of incompatibility.
After all, business is in the business of being in business, and repeat customers equals profits.
There’s no denying that we all yearn for that euphoric dopamine effect that comes with initial attraction. It’s the caffeine addict’s double shot of espresso, or the shopaholic’s new pair of shoes. But as initial attraction fades, what’s keeping two people together? The bond that was created by swiping right and seeing “You’re Connected” for the first time?
If we look to those around us who have been successful in forming healthy relationships that have stood the test of time, they may argue that “success” in a relationship is much more than initial attraction. It’s about substance. Compatibility.
In a world of quick-serve dating with attraction as the forethought and compatibility as the after, we can’t dismiss that we live in a time where a person from one part of the country can cast their net as far as another state (or country) in search of love. I can’t remember the last time I heard a person tell me they met someone through a friend, out on the town or at work. In this app-friendly world where we can order a pizza as fast as we can find a mate, are we confusing a “connection” inside of an app as something as important as love? I would argue that it’s nothing more than a fleeting feeling that is disguised by love’s chameleon cousin; infatuation.
It’s time to start over and reinvent the process.
Realizing that attraction is important to most of us – we are human after all – behind the scenes, Say Allo is learning as you swipe – behaviors, interests and yes, even “attraction” using the latest in artificial intelligence and machine learning technology. Combined with a unique psychological approach and a compatibility index that was co-developed by a pioneer of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (Dr. Brian Shaw PhD), Say Allo has taken a bold new step to embrace technology (and psychology) to better serve singles who are interested in forming relationships that are based on the idea of MORE … of everything! But most importantly, compatibility.
After two years architecting the science behind our intelligent compatibility algorithm, Say Allo launched in the Spring of 2017 to bring the “You’re Connected” back to "You're Compatible". A year after our launch, people have engaged with the app nearly five million times as they search for their “one”. Maybe this is the start of a compatibility revolution? Let’s all hope so!
Can a machine (or in this case, an app) really determine love? No.
We’ll help you find a few compatible options, but it’s up to you to make the first move and Say Allo.
Join us on this journey to reinvent dating discovery, and make compatibility sexy!
Founder and CEO of Say Allo
(Part 1 of 2)
Dating apps. If you’ve been single for any period of time in the last 5 years, there is a good chance that you’ve tried one. The model makes sense. They provide ease and security in the dating world that didn’t previously exist. And there are a lot of options, with offerings from industry giants to caterers to a small niche, each providing their own hook to appeal to users like yourself.
I’ve been married for over 15 years so I never needed to try any app for the goal of finding a partner — hence the exploration into each app was wholly a new experience to me.
Despite some variance in feature sets, the majority of the apps follow rather similar approaches to finding a match:
Both approaches are entertaining and can undoubtedly work – most of us have friends who have found love through online dating apps — but after playing with a couple dozen, I question whether these apps are effective in achieving the goal in finding the perfect partner and if that even is the goal. I’ve concluded the answer to be very few for either question.
So it is easy to understand why these apps have started a craze. It is difficult to understand what they’ve done since in light of the accessibility of modern advancements to help achieve the previously stated goal.
Trying to learn… something
Similar to online dating, the surge of Machine Learning in applications and software in the last 5 years is impossible to miss if you even have a passing interest in technology. Of course, learning models have been around for a long-long time. As a veteran of the game industry, there has been a lot of research and application of techniques used in Machine Learning and AI and have been for years. But it is the affordability and improved performance that has made it widespread available — Google, Amazon and Microsoft all provide powerful frameworks and algorithms to solve all sorts of problems.
Dating apps inherently collect a lot of information about you: your stated preferences at the beginning of the app and your learned preferences as you start interacting with the app. However, when running through these dating apps, it is difficult to ascertain what level of advanced learning is being done while using one of them. These apps, at least the big ones, certainly must implement learning algorithms or are at least trying to, as is evident by the numerous job postings for Data Scientists and Engineers with Machine Learning backgrounds as well as the occasional blog post or small article. Yet still, from the outside looking in, it is challenging to evaluate how they are applying learning and whether it is for the purpose of helping the user date smarter.
For the question-heavy sites, such as Match, OKCupid or E-Harmony, you spend a lot of time to onboard, filling out multiple choice scruples, and that data is assumed to help find the best match. Are matching similarities a true indication that you’ve found somebody compatible? Is this machine learning or statistical matching based on pre-conceived notions? When we’re talking about a swipe dating app, the model is normally all about volume: swipe a lot and then hopefully match a lot based on some basic preferences. The user is engaged in performing their own brute force algorithm, looking at many profiles that are clearly not going to be a match or suspicious attractive profiles that clearly won't match with you. Some apps will ask the odd question, but these apps are generally about making you, the user, continue the cycle of swipe/match/date without much insight into whether the effort is meaningful. And if you are using some of these apps to find your soul mate, the swipe mechanism is fun and the process could eventually work. Seeing that it is a strong model for entertainment, where’s the incentive for them to do better?
Of course, there is a contingency who prefer this approach. Swiping is, after all, fun and no variation of this model should discount that. But what about the people who are looking for genuine lasting connections and don't want to sift through endless profiles that are unappealing or clearly tailored to keep you swiping? The culture of online dating has changed dramatically with the swipe app. And with a younger demographic and a different goal in mind, many prefer casting a wide net and seeing what they can catch. And there’s nothing wrong with that — but knowing that, why would apps who support this need to invest the time and effort to change their model to support those who want to just find someone perfect?
Unlike other industries, there’s little publicly available about each company’s inner workings when it comes to their process so it is perhaps unfair to assume that not much is being done. But, for fun, take 5 minutes and start googling for Machine Learning and your favorite dating site. There’s not a lot available. A lot of user speculation and not much affirmation from the company’s themselves.
Overcoming the short-comings
There is one other very popular result that comes up when doing these web searches about Machine Learning and dating apps: people interested in finding matches on these sites creating outside-the-box solutions to maximize their potential to do so.
A successful app like OKCupid will ask the user hundreds of questions up front to load their matching engine to try and find the most like-minded profiles. The wired article “How a Math Genius Hacked OKCupid to Find True Love”  relates a common problem with these sites — they generate an immutable score between users based on these questions. If there is a problem with the questions, as there are in the case of the article, then the user’s experience may be limited based on that first assessment.
Tinder, being the leader in the swipe dating app industry, has a large user base and an API that is possible to received access to. And as a swipe-based app, they require the user to swipe through as much as they can. There have been many attempts to create tinder bots that try to do all the heavy lifting, sifting through the numerous profiles on behalf of the user. These generally train a model on what they believe to be attractive and then root out all the attractive users for right swipes, occasionally starting the conversation immediately.
And yet, there are plenty of stories online of men and women trying to force Tinder to work for them based on this API. They want to find their match, but their only option is to run some automation based on a pre-defined ruleset. They need to play Tinder’s game.
In my next post in this series I will dive into greater detail about the learning aspect of our algorithm, and uncover some of our “how” behind our machine learning application! In the meantime, we hope that you download Say Allo and start learning something new about yourself, and somebody new!
Technical Co-Founder of Say Allo