Why You Need to Love Yourself First Before Others Can Love You
“You complete me!” Who doesn’t melt when Tom Cruise’s character confesses his love for Renee Zellweger in the movie Jerry MaGuire? It created a whole generation of starry-eyed singles looking to find that one person who could “complete” them, and be the yin to their yang.
As romantic as this notion is, it’s actually quite dysfunctional. Because the truth is that no one can complete you and be your “better” half. A true partnership consists of two whole individuals coming together in union. Both parties should be in a good place in their self-love journey.
Modern culture has caused a lot of us to believe that romantic relationships define our path and that not having someone within a certain time frame means that we are missing out and that there’s something wrong with us. If everyone is able to find that special someone, so should we.
More importantly, society causes us to think that if we don’t find someone who can love us, we’re going to be alone and lost in a world defined by coupledom. So we compromise our happiness and settle for whatever we can find, even if we aren’t feeling good about ourselves.
Everyone wants to be loved and accepted by others, but here’s the problem: when we depend on others as a source of love, we put ourselves at risk of losing it and having it taken away.
After all, we can’t control others' thoughts. Expecting another person to give us the love we should be giving ourselves can leave us in a perpetual cycle of emptiness and brokenness.
How does this playout in the world of dating? Even if you get matched with the most gorgeous, successful, smart and kind people in the dating pool, you’re never going to be completely satisfied if you don’t love yourself. You’ll always expect the other person to make you feel better—and when they don’t deliver, you get disappointed and you sabotage the connection.
The truth is that if you’re not happy when you’re single and alone, you won’t ever be happy in a relationship. Unlike what we’ve been fed by fairytales, there is no knight in shining armour or princess who will rescue you and transform your world for the better. That’s your job.
A big part of winning in the game of love is realizing that it all begins with you. You need to show up for yourself first before others can. You need to respect yourself before someone else does.
Learning to love and approve yourself is a process and not always easy to do—it requires you to take time out and put yourself first, prioritizing your needs and wants over those of others.
It’s not selfish to make your happiness a priority. When you’re satisfied with your life, you become a better partner to another person. You’ll have more to give in your relationships and you’ll be more open to receiving love from another person.
Not only will taking care of yourself make you a happier person, but you’ll become a better energetic match for those partners who are capable of sustaining a healthy connection with you. You’ll be attracted to matches who will treat you right and who are emotionally available.
There is no right or wrong way to love yourself more. What’s important is that you make an active effort to listen and follow a self-care practice that works best for you. Make it part of your love strategy as you search for that special someone. Here are some ideas to get you started.
Make time for self-care
Learning to love yourself begins with taking care of the needs of your mind, body, heart and soul. There are plenty of ways to engage in self-care that’s personal to each of us. There are a few basic practices we should all be doing: exercising regularly, eating healthy nutritious foods, getting enough sleep and making time for activities we love doing—that feed us. These practices may seem simple, and like no-brainers, but it sends a powerful and direct message to your subconscious mind that you are worth being cared for and that your needs matter.
Control negative self-talk
Sometimes we are our own worst enemies, because we say mean things and we’re too hard on ourselves. Every time someone ghosts us or leads us on, we think we’re not good enough or that we said or did something wrong, regardless if it’s the other person’s fault or not. This negative inner dialogue can take a heavy toll on our self-esteem and makes us feel awful. We all struggle with insecurities at times, but we have to learn how to manage them so it doesn’t take over our psyche. Pay close attention to the language you use, and how you speak to yourself – is it uplifting and positive? Or is critical, harsh and demoralizing?
Be your own best friend
Treat yourself the way you would treat someone you love—a family member, a pet, a friend or your children. Directing the same type of concern, care and compassion to yourself is essential. Instead of relying on others to support and encourage you, you should strive to do that for yourself. Why? Because you have to live with yourself 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. You have to keep yourself company through all the wins and losses you experience. It makes sense to be your own best friend—it makes life so much easier. Chasing a career goal? Be your own cheerleader! Going through a rough break-up? Be your own source of comfort and take care of you. The more self-sustaining you are, the less needy you are in relationships.
Create healthy boundaries
If there are people who hurt you and drain your energy—like a coworker who talks non-stop or a friend who plays games or a family member who does not respect your time—you have every right to build boundaries and limit contact with them. Learning how to say no to those who show no concern for your feelings and needs, are not worth your attention. There are plenty of people and communities where you can find support, kindness and encouragement. Build a network of allies, mentors, and friends who offer guidance and comfort, whenever you need it. Being surrounded by such people makes you feel better and creates the type of loving energy that will attract the right partner into your life.
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